Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
