Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
