I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
