That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
