dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
