someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
