Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
