I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
