He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize