the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
