Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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