Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
