I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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