you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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