You're earring is so big in my mouth
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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