I think i sorta joined a cult last night
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
