I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
