I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
