dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
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