I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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