I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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