I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
organizing the empties. That sober.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
