he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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