All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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