god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Pants are for mortals
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
