In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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