Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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