DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
