At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
