dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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