well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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