I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
