ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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