yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
