in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
