what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
