Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
