honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
