Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
