At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
