if you like me you must not know who I am
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
