I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
