My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
