At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
