My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
