This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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