it's too hot outside to masturbate.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
