Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
