i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
