onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
