You just made me feel so damn special
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
