my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
