Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
