is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
