I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
