i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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