I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize