The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
