You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
