Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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