I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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