i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
