oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
